Category Archives: Loss
As I sit outside
Outside the shadows
Outside the angst
I realize the sun and the moon
The cloud and the stars
They are there for me
Patiently. I am not patient
They are patient.
They wait for me.
For me to look up
They call me
I don’t hear
I can’t hear
With the rush of the river of tears
In my ears
I can’t hear
But they stop
And then I hear
I hear all that has been calling
A name that I don’t hear often
A name I wish to hear more often
I saw the clouds today
The wave of clouds. The clouds for me
Waiting. I’m finally hearing
Hearing my name. For the first time
And I’m listening. And hearing.
And it is a sound that I enjoy.
Before now, I’d actually never heard the song by Alicia Keys but here I am crying my eyes inside out and Alicia comes belting out of my TV what I already know…these tears always win.
I checked my LinkedIn profile today and was informed that Sociopath Ex viewed it 3 weeks ago. I chuckled. He’s keeping tabs. We all do it, so it wasn’t a surprise. It crosses my mind sometimes…Do I ever cross the sociopath’s mind? I know I do. We’ve known each other for almost 2 decades so yes, I cross his mind. I don’t cross his mind to the point of him contacting me, and that’s a good thing. The old me wanted to hear from him. But all that self-reflecting, growing, maturing bullshit that I put myself through over the last year actually brought me to the point where I recognize that I need not to hear from him. I need not to ever see him or hear from him again. He can keep all the tabs he wants as long as he stays the hell out of my life.
Tears…here we are again. I was his placeholder.
Peter isn’t here. If he were, I’d be virtually crying on his shoulders. He’s off getting married. And that makes me cry even harder. He’s gonna come back all happy and married and shit and ask how things are going and I’m gonna say what exactly? Kasey is also gone. They’re actually in the same place. One went for his wedding, the other went for vacation. If Kase were here I wouldn’t be crying on his shoulders but I’d definitely call him and I know without doubt that I’d be feeling better when I got off the phone. They are both fierce protectors of me.
Jay called today to tell me that his marriage is falling apart. His exact words were, “This marriage experiment thing isn’t working out”. Actually, he didn’t call to tell me that. He called to tell me that since his marriage is failing, I have to find a new place to live because he is moving back into his condo. I need a bigger umbrella. This rain is turning into a steady downpour of fuck my life.
I’ve lived here happily for 6 years. I haven’t lived in any one place that long except for my childhood home. At 14 we moved from the house I grew up in and since then, I have not lived in any one place for more than 3/4 years.
Kassandra came through for me today when I needed to talk it out. She is a great source of logic and common sense and she keeps me calm. I need more of her in my life.
Why the fuck is this happening? Wasn’t I supposed to be using this space to talk about sex and all the glorious sex that I was doing? What the fuck happened? I woke up Friday feeling very sad and I had no idea why. And the stupid little voice in my head kept saying, this is a premonition of feelings to come. I tried to shake it off but I knew that some shit was gonna happen. I just wasn’t prepared for this.
Tears again. Fuck me.