Category Archives: Random Tuesday Musings
As I sit outside
Outside the shadows
Outside the angst
I realize the sun and the moon
The cloud and the stars
They are there for me
Patiently. I am not patient
They are patient.
They wait for me.
For me to look up
They call me
I don’t hear
I can’t hear
With the rush of the river of tears
In my ears
I can’t hear
But they stop
And then I hear
I hear all that has been calling
A name that I don’t hear often
A name I wish to hear more often
I saw the clouds today
The wave of clouds. The clouds for me
Waiting. I’m finally hearing
Hearing my name. For the first time
And I’m listening. And hearing.
And it is a sound that I enjoy.
I kissed Greg goodbye yesterday. He’s gone. I’ll miss him.
But it’s only for 9 days and he’ll be back. He’s gone to Boston for work and PA for a family event. I will try my best not to let his absence consume me. I won’t text him constantly to tell him that I miss him or that I’m thinking of him. I will function as the human being I was before he strolled into my life a mere 7 weeks ago.
This week isn’t really going to be busy work wise, so I have to try to fill my time up. I need to keep mentally and physically busy. It’s only 9 days and they’ll fly by. At the very least, they will go no slower than the previous 9 days or any other 9 days in the history of humanity. It would be nice if I had some big news to share when he returned. Like…I looked into my career move and was able to make THIS much progress. Maybe that’s what I’ll spend my week doing. He loves to talk career with me. He fashions himself a great listener, thinker and adviser. I always feel this need to impress him with work related things. Actually, I always feel the need to impress him, period. He can be a bit intimidating. I kinda like it though. It turns me on. He’s tall and strong and broad-shouldered and incredibly intelligent and I’m immensely attracted to all of that. I wonder sometimes if I’m loking for a father figure. That dominant authority. I like when men take charge. You want the reins? Be my guest. I’ve been in charge of everything for so long, I’m ready and willing to let someone smart, funny and good-natured take the controls. Independence schmindependence.
Last week, our schedules didn’t allow us to get together during the week. We saw each other last Sunday and then had to wait till Friday to see each other again. It was a looong week. By Friday, we were both horny and in desperate need of sex. On top of that, we knew that we would be going without for 9 days. We went out to watch the Michigan game and by the time we got back to his place it was in the door, in the bedroom, clothes off and fuck! Lol. No delays. We fucked like 2 people who knew there wouldn’t be sex again for days and days. He went longer than he usually does. He fucked harder than he usually and he was more bad ass than he usually is. Between rounds 1 and 2 we talked about sex, jerking off, fantasies and porn. Found out that skinny, white girls masturbating is what gets him off. So tame. I told him that gay porn does it for me. He basically wished me luck with that…you gone be watching that by yourself sista.
…He texted me! Yeay! I was wondering if/when I’d hear from him and if I’d have to be the one to reach out to him. But I didn’t have to. It’s the little things.
His birthday is coming up and today I reserved us a one-night stay at a BEAUTIFUL resort about an hour away. It’s not actually a resort. It’s one of those country side places with a pool, tennis courts, stables, walking trails, gardens, bike paths, etc. The photos are gorgeous. I want to celebrate his birthday but I don’t want to be too extravagant since by the time it rolls around we would only have been dating for two and a half months. I figure a two-day, one-night get-away all paid for, plus a picnic, maybe some tennis, maybe a long walk, all that good shit, will be just the perfect celebration. I may throw in a monogrammed shirt as a little extra. Maybe some cufflinks.
I met with a friend for lunch on Friday and she gave me an idea for my next career move. It has planted a seed, and even if I don’t go in the direction that she proposed, I have at least started to think about my next move and the time frame that I’m working with.
I feel like I’m in such a good place right now. I’m working, Greg is in my life, I’m going to see my family in a month and my finances are relatively stable. I’m not stressing about anything at the moment and it feels so damn good. There are of course, little niggling things that I have to work on but for the most part, I really feel good.
Here’s to that good feeling.
It’s Monday morning and fuckall…it’s snowing AGAIN! I am so beaten down by this weather, I can’t even find the appropriate words. Thank God that I’ve got a job I mostly enjoy, a dude who fucks me regularly and vacation plans within the next 6 weeks. Yay me! <—-That was totally fake as I really am feeling weather beaten.
Aside from that though, life seems to be taking a break from kicking my ass. And it’s greatly appreciated. Greg and I have been spending a good deal of time together and it has been quite enjoyable. Every minute of it. We’re 5 weeks in and feeling no pain. It does feel like much longer though. I think that’s because we see each other often and when we do, we spend a lot of time talking. There’s no TV to distract us so we eat, drink, talk and fuck each other’s brains out. For a man in his 40s his stamina is truly impressive. I’m accustomed to sex once at night OR in the morning. With Greg, it’s twice at night and quite possibly in the morning. If we have sex only once at night, we definitely go a round in the morning. The first time we had sex, we did it 4 times in 24 hours. Lol. I think we both broke some long held records.
Sex with him is oh, SO enjoyable! He is playful, giving and attentive. He loves sex and so we have a lot of it. He makes sure that I cum before he does. He is less experienced than I am in terms of sexual adventures and I find that endearing. He thinks it’s exciting. He‘s never had a 3-some but I have. He thinks that pushing the envelope is anal sex. Lol. I think that’s so cute. I have given him carte blanche to do whatever he wants, try whatever he wants, and explore his sexuality as much, as deep, or as far as he wants to. In for a penny, in for a pound as they say. I want to be the one to take him past his previously manufactured boundaries. It’s exciting to both of us.
We also have lots of silly, serious, interesting, intellectual, funny conversations. I told him the other night that he is the most serious fun guy that I’ve ever met. Or the most fun, serious guy that I’ve ever met. He is mature and serious one minute and then the next he is saying or doing something completely silly to crack me up. His sense of humor is ever-present but cleverly disguised. He is quick to smile and laugh but is as swiftly serious, intellectual Greg. He is a voracious reader. And strikingly intelligent. Sometimes intimidating.
He’s also affection personified. Full of random hugs and kisses. So handsome. So tall. I’m never with him without wanting to climb aboard. He cooks for me too! I know it’s early on and everything is supposed to come up smelling roses but guess what, it doesn’t always and it is with with him so yeay me. For realzz.
Thus far, I’ve haven’t had anything to stress about where he’s concerned. And when I find myself trying to manufacture problems, I swiftly kick myself. This situation is moving along well and I’m putting no pressure on it, myself or him. If it turns out to be long term, that’s great. If it turns out to be short lived, as long as we both respect each other’s feelings, I will live with that. It’s easier to navigate the start of a relationship if you remove the self-imposed pressure. That’s sounds so easy, but it’s really not. I obsessively look ahead and try to map relationships out. And, you know what’s ahead? Well, me neither. And so I have to constantly remind myself to just take it easy. Let it play out. Don’t try to map it out. Just see where it goes. So far, it’s working and I feel rewarded for the effort I’m putting in.
The aforementioned vacay will take me to Barbados. Home again, home again, jiggidy jig. I’m looking forward to it but it’s less of a vacation and more of just a trip to see my family and friends.
Life has been pretty much busy with work, busy with Greg and sleeping. I can’t complain. I’m feeling lucky and I like the feeling.
Till next time. Cheers!
In my last post I wrote about meeting Greg at a happy hour. The night we met, we spent more than 3 hours talking and laughing. The world faded away as we delved into learning more and more about each other. The conversation flowed smoothly, the laughs were plentiful and there was a HUGE connection!
After the event, we exchanged numbers. He suggested that we get together when he got back from a trip a week later but the next day he called and we discussed the fact that neither one of us wanted to wait that long to see each other again. So three days after we met, we went on our first date.
The first date was much like the first time meeting…we talked for HOURS! We actually shut the place down. The date was easy and enjoyable and felt so very natural. We were quite smitten with each other.
When we left the restaurant, I was walking on air. I told my friend about it the next day and she was as giddy as I was. She has a good feeling about Greg. I’m being cautiously optimistic. I’m still reeling a bit from the last attempt at a relationship with someone who turned out to be a horrible person.
There are two important things about Greg that fit well with what I’m looking for. He already has kids and doesn’t want any more and he has been married before and wants to get married again so I know commitment doesn’t send him running screaming from the room.
With the first date under our belt and a growing attraction to each other in full bloom, we were both excited to spend more time together. At dinner we’d spoken about where we both were mentally and emotionally with regards to starting a new relationship. He’s actually in a better place than I. I’m freshly scarred and bruised with doubts about…men in general. But I also told him that I’m not stupid enough to let what someone did to me in the past, stop me from pursuing what could be a great relationship.
This horrendous winter we’re having has caused grief for everyone at some point but yesterday, it worked in my favor. Greg’s flight out of town was cancelled so we jumped on the opportunity to get together. Snow on the ground, mores snow coming, frigid temps and howling winds did nothing to deter us.
We met up in a cozy bar in the city and by the end of the night we’d proven beyond doubt that the physical and sexual attraction was really real. Thank God he had an early morning flight. Otherwise, the temptation to move from the bar to his condo would have been too much to overcome. As it was, we just made out like teenagers. It was AWESOME! He’s a GREAT kisser and I love the feel of his beard. I cannot wait to feel it against the rest of my body. Yes, I know…we just met. But I also know that we’re adults and we want to fuck each others brains out. And not just once or twice.
As wet sat there and discussed sex between two horny, consenting, able minded adults, I took it upon myself to play devil’s advocate and come up with reasons why we shouldn’t sleep together so soon. None of my reasons stood up to scrutiny. And so, within the next few weeks, I’m going to jump his tall, strong, athletic bones. I told him I’m not interested in casual sex. Nor will I be a willing party to non-monogamous sex. Happy to say, he agrees. And yes, (some people believe that) men will say anything to get into your pants but those men are generally young, immature and only interested in sowing wild oats. Greg fits into none of those categories.
I know where he stands politically, I know what his religious beliefs are, I know a helluva lot about his values and morals and now I can’t wait to find out how his dick feels in my mouth. Lol.
I promised myself that I’d write more in 2014. The problem with that promise is that I assumed at the time that I’d have something to write about. I don’t, really. But here I am anyway.
The first 6 weeks of the year have been pretty uneventful. And cold as fuck. So the latter has greatly impacted the former. I’m not a fan of winter weather so I’ve been playing it close to the apartment. My social life has taken a hit but IDGAF.
Recently though, I shed that attitude, bundled up and went out for some drinks and socializing. And I looked uhmahzing! New hairstyle, new dress and a whole lotta confidence. I was supposed to meet 2 friends but upon entering the establishment received a text that one of them was standing me up. No reason, excuse or explanation, she just decided less than 1/2 after we last spoke that she wasn’t coming. Now, that’s the sorta shit that will get you quickly escorted off the “friend” list.
The second friend was minutes away from leaving her house. That meant that I was going to be at this place by myself for at least an hour. What was a girl to do? Well, I am who I am and who I am is a friendly, personable, attractive woman with top-notch conversational skills. It was a social event with good looking people my age so I dove right in.
First I got myself a drink and surveyed the room. As I was mid-survey, a good looking guy came up and started a conversation. He was funny and could hold his own. We laughed and talked a bit about what brought us both to this place. That and for some reason, running. It was good conversation but after a few minutes he went back to his friends.
As I completed my previously-interrupted survey of the room, I settled my eyes on a tall, handsome, bearded guy walking my way. Our eyes met and I did that thing that girls do that make it clear to a guy that he should stop and say hi. And he did. Cause, well, I’m not new to this.
He stopped, introduced himself, (Greg) and the rest of the evening (3+ hours) was a blissful, non-stop dive into the “getting-to-know-you” pool. I literally spent the next 3+ hours talking to this guy about everything (except politics and religion). A few times when we came up for air, I saw people looking at us like, what the hell? We had moved from the bar to the couch and were simply engrossed in each other. My girlfriend arrived and we invited her to join us but she chose instead to work the room on her own. I sent her on her merry way cause truth be told, I had no interest in anyone but Greg. He was funny and smart and talented and seemed to like him some me. Which is always a good thing. He is an engineer by trade, an amateur mechanic who restores vintage cars and plays the bass trombone in a band. Lol. Just enough quirk to fascinate me. We talked about family, travel, work, friends, love, loss, society, music, and everything in between.
When it came time to call it a night, he walked my friend and I out, we exchanged numbers, made plans for a dinner date when he returned from a trip out of town, and basically marveled at what a great connection was made on a random evening out.
He texted me the next day (still funny over text thank God) and let me know that he would try to work his schedule so that we could do dinner before he left for his trip.
Lads and lasses, lesson learned…put your clothes on, pretty up yourself and get out of the house! You never know what good things await you on the other side of the door.
OK…sorry…that was uncalled for.
Readers of this blog, I greet you! It’s Tuesday and by golly the blog is called Random Tuesdays so I ought to blog, no?
So let me jump right in with a Brian update. Things are progressing nicely though I haven’t seen him in a week and a half and I’m not sure if I’ll see him this week at all. I’m not happy about this but I haven’t made a big (or small) deal about it. He has house guests and they are taking priority with his time. This past weekend is when they came to town and I did not hear from him at all after he picked them up from the airport on Saturday evening.
By Monday morning I will admit dear readers, that I was feeling a bit anxious. You see, I have this voice in my head that has no good intentions. Her job is to fuck with my self-esteem, confidence and security. That bitch is a straight up hater. She’s the one who will try to convince me that I’m not where I should be in my career, that I’m not where I should be in life, and that everyone is doing so much better than I am. As I’ve matured, I’ve become more aware of this voice but it’s only recently that I have been able to beat her back with a stick.
On Monday morning, it was like Battle Royale in my head. She, having had rest and something to feed on (Brian not calling me all weekend) was in full, GO mode. It was during the process of shutting her up that I realized that my worst enemy dwells comfortably in my head. But this time, I was prepared for the battle. Everything she threw at me, I swatted away with calm common sense. Don’t fret. Brian likes you, he’s not a flake, he’s not Scott, he will call. And of course he did! In the late morning. And moreover, offered an explanation for why I didn’t hear him over the weekend, without one being requested. Win column populated!
Ultimately, I decided to fall back this week and let Brian drive the communication train while his people are here. He called bright and early this morning and I was my usual chipper and happy self. The chipper, happy me that Brian knows because there has been no reason to show him the non-chipper, non-happy me. He laughs out loud when I answer the phone and greet him with one of my over the top greetings. He enjoys it. He enjoys talking to the happy, stress-free version of me. And I am so thrilled to be in a dating environment that calls for the the happy, stress-free version of me.
At the end of our call he confirmed that he just needed to get through the week, get three house guests out of his house this weekend, and we will resume normal programming. I can’t wait!
So there you have it, my random Tuesday ramblings signed, sealed and delivered. Til next time…
It’s awesome to be back writing again! For me, writing is something so extremely personal…too personal as a matter of fact. I have been published in major magazines and newspapers, I write business materials for friends and clients all the time and yet, I have not done what I should to take my writing to the next level. Basically, I’m a punk. But enough about my failings as a human being…
I’m back to blogging here because there’s stuff I want to talk about. Things I want to share with the internets.
Let me start by going back one year. I moved from DC to Brooklyn last summer and had the absolute time of my life! It was three months of every single thing that I wanted and needed. Concerts in the park, new friends, old friends, favorite bar, walking in Prospect Park every evening, not running into my old boyfriend, a shot at love, partying, discovery, energy, life, happiness, you name it…I got it from Brooklyn last summer. I am so proud of myself for recognizing what I wanted, going after it and most importantly, making it happen!
I’m back in DC now and not feeling too shabby about it. I had planned on moving back again this summer but Brian happened. Brian. I love his name. Almost as much as I loved Scott’s name. Maaannn. Scott. My shot at love last summer. That muthafucka was the One and no one could tell me different. ‘Cept Scott of course. He told me different. “I ain’t the one”, that nigga said, “I ain’t the one.” So I accepted and moved on. No cars were keyed in the process. He just wasn’t the one. Exit stage left. Enter Brian.
I don’t know yet what will come of Brian, I just know that things are going well and the voice in my head is constantly screaming at me not to fuck this up. Cause that’s my thing…I fuck up relationships. At least that’s what I’ve been lead to believe. Can’t be all them, right? S’gotta be me.
Anyway, Brian is one of the reasons I’m back here writing, because I want to chronicle the success or failure of this relationship. I hope for success. It’d be a change of pace at the very least. Relationships are not my forte but I hope for success with Brian and I will do all that I know how to make it so.
So far there have been some very enjoyable dates. Dinners, lunch, a get together of friends at his house, live music at a bar, and this weekend an all-day reggae festival. I’m happy with the way things are going so I’ve decided not to move to Brooklyn and put unnecessary strain on something so new and potentially long-lasting.
I’ll be here throughout the summer updating absolutely no one about the progress of this budding interaction between two single, like-minded people. If I were not such a chump, I’d actually post this someplace where people could actually read it but alas, me’s a punk.
Till next time…
So apparently, blog posts don’t write themselves. I wish I’d known that before I committed to (absolutely no one) keeping this blog up-to-date. But it’s May and I’m here writing so that’s good news.
May 28th to be exact. Memorial Day. I technically have the day off but will be doing some light work for my full-time job and my side gig. Hustling is a 365 thing in my life. I like having money. I like it a lot. So much that it baffles the mind that I never have any. But that’s a topic for a different post.
Today I’m just checking in because the countdown is on and I’m hoping that this post will be the first of many to come this summer. What countdown you ask? Well friend, the countdown to my move to Brooklyn, NY. Capitol of the world. My world at least.
I’m heading back for a short summer stay and I can’t recall a recent time that I have been more excited for a major change in my life. I gave this move an enormous amount of thought. It started as a seed planted by a friend back in January and grew into a full bloom move happening this Saturday. I’m packing up the car with clothes, shoes and my TV and heading north. Yeehaw bitches!
Finding a place to sublet there and finding someone to sublet my place here was time consuming but not entirely difficult. I have two students from different parts of the country coming to live in my space for 3 months and I am moving into someone else’s place for 3 months in the Midwood section of Brooklyn. My family and friends have been mostly supportive of the move primarily because of the reason behind it…I just need a change…of scenery…of outlook… of lifestyle. I need to shake this snow globe that is my life.
There are so many things that I am looking forward to this summer; concerts in Prospect Park (I’ll be living 1 mile away), jogging to and through the park every morning, reconnecting with friends, meeting new people, experiencing new things and just the act of BEING…in New York City. The place I called home for 11 years.
In discussion with a friend who is considering the same move but from Belize not DC, she mentioned feeling like she was moving her life in a backward direction. I never once thought of my move that way. For me, this move is so much about renewal and rejuvenation. I’m planning on sharpening up those edges that living outside of NY has dulled. I’m planning on getting a pep back in my step. I’m planning on embracing that feeling of freedom to do whatever the hell I want because in NY no one gives a shit and you’re free to be whomever the hell you want to be. And right now and for the next few months, I just wanna be ME. And be good at it and happy doing it.
I feel I must write something in this space. Problem is, I’m finding it difficult to organize my thoughts and subsequently, my topics.
I’ll be damned if I keep writing about the boy that broke my heart. Regardless of the fact that I’m always thinking about him.
I could write about the boy that holds so much potential. But it’s too soon to speak on that.
I could write about moving North to enjoy the summer in a different city. But there really isn’t very much to write about there. I’m moving simply to do new things, meet new people and well…because I can.
I could wax philosophical about how being a wife and mother don’t really appeal to me. But societal pressure is a BEAST and that fucker is trying to break my back. One more set of wedding or newborn photos on FB and I’m gonna take a kill pill.
If I started writing about the fact that I may or may not be living my best, I’ll be here all night so let’s save that for a rainy day.
Rainy days…how about this weather we’re having?
Time to exit stage left.