Before now, I’d actually never heard the song by Alicia Keys but here I am crying my eyes inside out and Alicia comes belting out of my TV what I already know…these tears always win.
I checked my LinkedIn profile today and was informed that Sociopath Ex viewed it 3 weeks ago. I chuckled. He’s keeping tabs. We all do it, so it wasn’t a surprise. It crosses my mind sometimes…Do I ever cross the sociopath’s mind? I know I do. We’ve known each other for almost 2 decades so yes, I cross his mind. I don’t cross his mind to the point of him contacting me, and that’s a good thing. The old me wanted to hear from him. But all that self-reflecting, growing, maturing bullshit that I put myself through over the last year actually brought me to the point where I recognize that I need not to hear from him. I need not to ever see him or hear from him again. He can keep all the tabs he wants as long as he stays the hell out of my life.
Tears…here we are again. I was his placeholder.
Peter isn’t here. If he were, I’d be virtually crying on his shoulders. He’s off getting married. And that makes me cry even harder. He’s gonna come back all happy and married and shit and ask how things are going and I’m gonna say what exactly? Kasey is also gone. They’re actually in the same place. One went for his wedding, the other went for vacation. If Kase were here I wouldn’t be crying on his shoulders but I’d definitely call him and I know without doubt that I’d be feeling better when I got off the phone. They are both fierce protectors of me.
Jay called today to tell me that his marriage is falling apart. His exact words were, “This marriage experiment thing isn’t working out”. Actually, he didn’t call to tell me that. He called to tell me that since his marriage is failing, I have to find a new place to live because he is moving back into his condo. I need a bigger umbrella. This rain is turning into a steady downpour of fuck my life.
I’ve lived here happily for 6 years. I haven’t lived in any one place that long except for my childhood home. At 14 we moved from the house I grew up in and since then, I have not lived in any one place for more than 3/4 years.
Kassandra came through for me today when I needed to talk it out. She is a great source of logic and common sense and she keeps me calm. I need more of her in my life.
Why the fuck is this happening? Wasn’t I supposed to be using this space to talk about sex and all the glorious sex that I was doing? What the fuck happened? I woke up Friday feeling very sad and I had no idea why. And the stupid little voice in my head kept saying, this is a premonition of feelings to come. I tried to shake it off but I knew that some shit was gonna happen. I just wasn’t prepared for this.
Tears again. Fuck me.
There’s so much to catch you up on!
As I always do, I re-read the last post I made before I began writing this one. And it seems so…long ago. Quite a lot has happened in my love life since I last blogged.
My last post was May 21st. It turns out that 3 days before that, unbeknownst to me, I’d met the guy that would change everything about my world. Oh, by the way, I’ve decided to stop writing about my relationship life and start writing about my sex life. I’m turning this puppy into a raunchy, blush-inducing, honest look into sex and the women that want it, have it and enjoy it. More on that later…
So, I went to a concert on May 18th and a relationship broke out. Brian and I were supposed to go together but he cancelled at the very last minute thereby forcing me to go solo. I went and managed to meet-up with a social group that I belong to. I am now dating someone from that social group who was at the concert. And he’s white! And awesome! I am part of an inter-racial relationship! My boyfriend is white! And he’s my BOYFRIEND! Lol.
Anyway, since I am completely convinced that talking/blogging about my relationships jinxes them, that’s about as much as I’m writing about that. Except to say that it has been a wonderful relationship thus far. I’ve done a ton of things that I’ve never done before, I am happy, grateful and head over heels in like.
Now, on to the juicy bits. Since I’ve started this new relationship, of course, I’ve been having that new relationship sex. That all the time, always wet, always erect, always ready to go sex. That, “oh shit, new dick!” sex. It’s GLORIOUS! And I’ve decided to write about it. Why? Well, why the fuck not? There are, at last count, a bazillion blogs out there with people writing about their relationships. I wanted to veer off course and talk about something that I’m better at than relationships. And that my friends, is sex. I’m great in bed. Uninhibited, try anything once, 3s not a crowd, bring on the porn, cameras welcome, drop some X, no holes barred, always wet, multiple orgasms, blow job enjoying, great in bed.
Last night we had anal sex for the first time. It wasn’t my first time or his of course, but it was our first time. Ah! Mah! Gah! Dude lubed me up and it was slow going at first but once he got it all the way in my butt he went to TOWN!!! Even as I write this, I’m getting short of breath.
We started off actually with him complaining that he was tired so I would have to get myself naked and get him hard, and THEN he’d see if he was up for sex. I was like, yeah right. Whatever. In any case, I took my t-shirt and panties off while he stood naked brushing his teeth. As soon as he got into bed my legs and arms were draped over him and his over me. We started talking and giggling as we are wont to do. We talked and giggled about me meeting his parents the day before, and some other shit that I can’t recall right now.
And then he challenged me to make him hard, not by a blow job but by talking him hard. I was like, fa real? You’re gonna make me TALK you hard?! “Yup”, he said. “Use your mouth that way and get me hard.” Challenge issued. Challenge accepted. To get me started, he asked what had been our most enjoyable sex so far in my opinion. And before I could answer, he answered for me. “Was it the first time I put my thumb in your butt?” Yup! That was awesome! We came so hard together. And my pussy was like Niagara Falls.
So this recap of our sex over the past 6 weeks went on for not long at all. It didn’t take my baby long to have a rock hard dick. Especially since he was lying on top of me as I recalled the different occasions and positions we’d explored. He jokingly said that I should keep a numbered log. I jokingly replied that I should start a blog. I had actually had the idea of blogging about my sex and sex in general about a week and a half ago and now here I was intertwined with him joking about it but taking it seriously.
Upon realizing that he was good and ready, I put his dick inside me. And we started and it was as usual, delicious. And I came. I always cum when he fucks me. And this is something that never happened with past partners. I usually only cum from clitoral stimulation and even then, not all the time. There’s something about my guy and our sex that brings me to orgasm, at least twice, each and every time. It’s amazing. I love it. And he loves it. He’s not much of a talker while he’s fucking me but the one thing that he manages to express verbally is that he loves my pussy. “Baby, I love fucking your pussy”, he says. They all say.
After I had my first orgasm, we changed positions slightly and continued the joyride. After a few minutes, when I thought he was close to climaxing he asked if I wanted him to fuck me in my ass, which of course meant “Turn around let me fuck you in your ass”.
We’d tried it the week before and only got his dick in part of the way. I was determined to be successful this time so he lubed me up and went at it. Slow at first, easing it in. The initial entry was fine, halfway in, it hurt, so we stopped for a second. Then after he put it back in, he slid ALL the way in. I gasped, and screamed and moaned all at the same time. He moaned loudly. I was on my knees and for some reason, I shit you not, I started to quietly sing “Face down butt up that’s the way we like to fuck” as he stroked like a pro. Then he said “Lie down flat on your stomach.” Oh heavenly Father. As I laid flat his dick went as far into my ass as it could go and then he for real started to fuck me. Fast. Hard. Hot. I was grabbing the sheets holding on for dear life and feeling, not thinking, just feeling. Panting, groaning, consuming and being consumed. I was flat on my stomach, he was flat on my back and stroking and stroking and hard and fast. “Fuck my ass baby, FUCK MY ASS baby PLEASE!!!” He’s making those heavy breathing, grunting, moaning noises that serve to make me wetter and cummier. Mmmmmm.
I knew he was nearing climax and I begged, “Cum in my ass baby, cum deep in my ass!” And he did. My being exploded with sheer ecstasy as he exploded deep inside my ass.
Turns out, he wasn’t that tired after all. 😉
OK…sorry…that was uncalled for.
Readers of this blog, I greet you! It’s Tuesday and by golly the blog is called Random Tuesdays so I ought to blog, no?
So let me jump right in with a Brian update. Things are progressing nicely though I haven’t seen him in a week and a half and I’m not sure if I’ll see him this week at all. I’m not happy about this but I haven’t made a big (or small) deal about it. He has house guests and they are taking priority with his time. This past weekend is when they came to town and I did not hear from him at all after he picked them up from the airport on Saturday evening.
By Monday morning I will admit dear readers, that I was feeling a bit anxious. You see, I have this voice in my head that has no good intentions. Her job is to fuck with my self-esteem, confidence and security. That bitch is a straight up hater. She’s the one who will try to convince me that I’m not where I should be in my career, that I’m not where I should be in life, and that everyone is doing so much better than I am. As I’ve matured, I’ve become more aware of this voice but it’s only recently that I have been able to beat her back with a stick.
On Monday morning, it was like Battle Royale in my head. She, having had rest and something to feed on (Brian not calling me all weekend) was in full, GO mode. It was during the process of shutting her up that I realized that my worst enemy dwells comfortably in my head. But this time, I was prepared for the battle. Everything she threw at me, I swatted away with calm common sense. Don’t fret. Brian likes you, he’s not a flake, he’s not Scott, he will call. And of course he did! In the late morning. And moreover, offered an explanation for why I didn’t hear him over the weekend, without one being requested. Win column populated!
Ultimately, I decided to fall back this week and let Brian drive the communication train while his people are here. He called bright and early this morning and I was my usual chipper and happy self. The chipper, happy me that Brian knows because there has been no reason to show him the non-chipper, non-happy me. He laughs out loud when I answer the phone and greet him with one of my over the top greetings. He enjoys it. He enjoys talking to the happy, stress-free version of me. And I am so thrilled to be in a dating environment that calls for the the happy, stress-free version of me.
At the end of our call he confirmed that he just needed to get through the week, get three house guests out of his house this weekend, and we will resume normal programming. I can’t wait!
So there you have it, my random Tuesday ramblings signed, sealed and delivered. Til next time…
It’s awesome to be back writing again! For me, writing is something so extremely personal…too personal as a matter of fact. I have been published in major magazines and newspapers, I write business materials for friends and clients all the time and yet, I have not done what I should to take my writing to the next level. Basically, I’m a punk. But enough about my failings as a human being…
I’m back to blogging here because there’s stuff I want to talk about. Things I want to share with the internets.
Let me start by going back one year. I moved from DC to Brooklyn last summer and had the absolute time of my life! It was three months of every single thing that I wanted and needed. Concerts in the park, new friends, old friends, favorite bar, walking in Prospect Park every evening, not running into my old boyfriend, a shot at love, partying, discovery, energy, life, happiness, you name it…I got it from Brooklyn last summer. I am so proud of myself for recognizing what I wanted, going after it and most importantly, making it happen!
I’m back in DC now and not feeling too shabby about it. I had planned on moving back again this summer but Brian happened. Brian. I love his name. Almost as much as I loved Scott’s name. Maaannn. Scott. My shot at love last summer. That muthafucka was the One and no one could tell me different. ‘Cept Scott of course. He told me different. “I ain’t the one”, that nigga said, “I ain’t the one.” So I accepted and moved on. No cars were keyed in the process. He just wasn’t the one. Exit stage left. Enter Brian.
I don’t know yet what will come of Brian, I just know that things are going well and the voice in my head is constantly screaming at me not to fuck this up. Cause that’s my thing…I fuck up relationships. At least that’s what I’ve been lead to believe. Can’t be all them, right? S’gotta be me.
Anyway, Brian is one of the reasons I’m back here writing, because I want to chronicle the success or failure of this relationship. I hope for success. It’d be a change of pace at the very least. Relationships are not my forte but I hope for success with Brian and I will do all that I know how to make it so.
So far there have been some very enjoyable dates. Dinners, lunch, a get together of friends at his house, live music at a bar, and this weekend an all-day reggae festival. I’m happy with the way things are going so I’ve decided not to move to Brooklyn and put unnecessary strain on something so new and potentially long-lasting.
I’ll be here throughout the summer updating absolutely no one about the progress of this budding interaction between two single, like-minded people. If I were not such a chump, I’d actually post this someplace where people could actually read it but alas, me’s a punk.
Till next time…
So apparently, blog posts don’t write themselves. I wish I’d known that before I committed to (absolutely no one) keeping this blog up-to-date. But it’s May and I’m here writing so that’s good news.
May 28th to be exact. Memorial Day. I technically have the day off but will be doing some light work for my full-time job and my side gig. Hustling is a 365 thing in my life. I like having money. I like it a lot. So much that it baffles the mind that I never have any. But that’s a topic for a different post.
Today I’m just checking in because the countdown is on and I’m hoping that this post will be the first of many to come this summer. What countdown you ask? Well friend, the countdown to my move to Brooklyn, NY. Capitol of the world. My world at least.
I’m heading back for a short summer stay and I can’t recall a recent time that I have been more excited for a major change in my life. I gave this move an enormous amount of thought. It started as a seed planted by a friend back in January and grew into a full bloom move happening this Saturday. I’m packing up the car with clothes, shoes and my TV and heading north. Yeehaw bitches!
Finding a place to sublet there and finding someone to sublet my place here was time consuming but not entirely difficult. I have two students from different parts of the country coming to live in my space for 3 months and I am moving into someone else’s place for 3 months in the Midwood section of Brooklyn. My family and friends have been mostly supportive of the move primarily because of the reason behind it…I just need a change…of scenery…of outlook… of lifestyle. I need to shake this snow globe that is my life.
There are so many things that I am looking forward to this summer; concerts in Prospect Park (I’ll be living 1 mile away), jogging to and through the park every morning, reconnecting with friends, meeting new people, experiencing new things and just the act of BEING…in New York City. The place I called home for 11 years.
In discussion with a friend who is considering the same move but from Belize not DC, she mentioned feeling like she was moving her life in a backward direction. I never once thought of my move that way. For me, this move is so much about renewal and rejuvenation. I’m planning on sharpening up those edges that living outside of NY has dulled. I’m planning on getting a pep back in my step. I’m planning on embracing that feeling of freedom to do whatever the hell I want because in NY no one gives a shit and you’re free to be whomever the hell you want to be. And right now and for the next few months, I just wanna be ME. And be good at it and happy doing it.
I feel I must write something in this space. Problem is, I’m finding it difficult to organize my thoughts and subsequently, my topics.
I’ll be damned if I keep writing about the boy that broke my heart. Regardless of the fact that I’m always thinking about him.
I could write about the boy that holds so much potential. But it’s too soon to speak on that.
I could write about moving North to enjoy the summer in a different city. But there really isn’t very much to write about there. I’m moving simply to do new things, meet new people and well…because I can.
I could wax philosophical about how being a wife and mother don’t really appeal to me. But societal pressure is a BEAST and that fucker is trying to break my back. One more set of wedding or newborn photos on FB and I’m gonna take a kill pill.
If I started writing about the fact that I may or may not be living my best, I’ll be here all night so let’s save that for a rainy day.
Rainy days…how about this weather we’re having?
Time to exit stage left.