Yikes. I just bought a domain name, site security, and an email address for a business I plan to start. I’m nervous as fuck, excited, and scared. I also have a 30-day window to get a refund. I ain’t no fool.
This feels…dear god, there are too many emotions right now! I want to be successful. I don’t want to fail. I want to make money. What I don’t know, is if I want to “make a name for myself”. Can you start a business without actually making a name for yourself? How would I get clients? Someone told me that I’m going to have to create a “public persona” and I almost melted in horror. Me? PUBLIC persona? The thought or relinquishing ANY part of my (held in a vice-grip) privacy gives me the upsets.
But, I’ve got work to do. A business to build. So I’m gonna end here and maybe come back later after I drown the bitch in my head who’s trying to tell me I shouldn’t do this.
Fuck you, bitch.
Ten days shy of two years. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve posted here. I promise you, it’s not been from lack of trying. I could not remember the fucking password to log in to the site. HOURS, I’ve spent trying to recover the log in info and literally 3 minutes ago, my stupid brain said: try this one. And that fucker worked!
Have you ever been mad at something that turned out well because of how long it took and how much effort went into it when the answer was incredibly simple and right in front of your face? Just me? OK.
But, I go forward with the bullshit knowledge that everything happens for a reason. (I HATE that saying). Who knows what I would have written had I re-gained access last year, earlier this year, or one of the other million times I’ve tried. *sigh* Probably something mad poetic and influential that would have skyrocketed my writing career. Right.
So here we are now, and I have nothing to write about. Figures.
I could mention that as I sit here anger (at my job and other shit) courses through my body. I’m channeling it though. Turning the anger into motivation. Woosaahing this muthafucker and channeling the shit out of it.
It’s good to be back. Stay with me…
As I sit outside
Outside the shadows
Outside the angst
I realize the sun and the moon
The cloud and the stars
They are there for me
Patiently. I am not patient
They are patient.
They wait for me.
For me to look up
They call me
I don’t hear
I can’t hear
With the rush of the river of tears
In my ears
I can’t hear
But they stop
And then I hear
I hear all that has been calling
A name that I don’t hear often
A name I wish to hear more often
I saw the clouds today
The wave of clouds. The clouds for me
Waiting. I’m finally hearing
Hearing my name. For the first time
And I’m listening. And hearing.
And it is a sound that I enjoy.
I kissed Greg goodbye yesterday. He’s gone. I’ll miss him.
But it’s only for 9 days and he’ll be back. He’s gone to Boston for work and PA for a family event. I will try my best not to let his absence consume me. I won’t text him constantly to tell him that I miss him or that I’m thinking of him. I will function as the human being I was before he strolled into my life a mere 7 weeks ago.
This week isn’t really going to be busy work wise, so I have to try to fill my time up. I need to keep mentally and physically busy. It’s only 9 days and they’ll fly by. At the very least, they will go no slower than the previous 9 days or any other 9 days in the history of humanity. It would be nice if I had some big news to share when he returned. Like…I looked into my career move and was able to make THIS much progress. Maybe that’s what I’ll spend my week doing. He loves to talk career with me. He fashions himself a great listener, thinker and adviser. I always feel this need to impress him with work related things. Actually, I always feel the need to impress him, period. He can be a bit intimidating. I kinda like it though. It turns me on. He’s tall and strong and broad-shouldered and incredibly intelligent and I’m immensely attracted to all of that. I wonder sometimes if I’m loking for a father figure. That dominant authority. I like when men take charge. You want the reins? Be my guest. I’ve been in charge of everything for so long, I’m ready and willing to let someone smart, funny and good-natured take the controls. Independence schmindependence.
Last week, our schedules didn’t allow us to get together during the week. We saw each other last Sunday and then had to wait till Friday to see each other again. It was a looong week. By Friday, we were both horny and in desperate need of sex. On top of that, we knew that we would be going without for 9 days. We went out to watch the Michigan game and by the time we got back to his place it was in the door, in the bedroom, clothes off and fuck! Lol. No delays. We fucked like 2 people who knew there wouldn’t be sex again for days and days. He went longer than he usually does. He fucked harder than he usually and he was more bad ass than he usually is. Between rounds 1 and 2 we talked about sex, jerking off, fantasies and porn. Found out that skinny, white girls masturbating is what gets him off. So tame. I told him that gay porn does it for me. He basically wished me luck with that…you gone be watching that by yourself sista.
…He texted me! Yeay! I was wondering if/when I’d hear from him and if I’d have to be the one to reach out to him. But I didn’t have to. It’s the little things.
His birthday is coming up and today I reserved us a one-night stay at a BEAUTIFUL resort about an hour away. It’s not actually a resort. It’s one of those country side places with a pool, tennis courts, stables, walking trails, gardens, bike paths, etc. The photos are gorgeous. I want to celebrate his birthday but I don’t want to be too extravagant since by the time it rolls around we would only have been dating for two and a half months. I figure a two-day, one-night get-away all paid for, plus a picnic, maybe some tennis, maybe a long walk, all that good shit, will be just the perfect celebration. I may throw in a monogrammed shirt as a little extra. Maybe some cufflinks.
I met with a friend for lunch on Friday and she gave me an idea for my next career move. It has planted a seed, and even if I don’t go in the direction that she proposed, I have at least started to think about my next move and the time frame that I’m working with.
I feel like I’m in such a good place right now. I’m working, Greg is in my life, I’m going to see my family in a month and my finances are relatively stable. I’m not stressing about anything at the moment and it feels so damn good. There are of course, little niggling things that I have to work on but for the most part, I really feel good.
Here’s to that good feeling.
It’s Monday morning and fuckall…it’s snowing AGAIN! I am so beaten down by this weather, I can’t even find the appropriate words. Thank God that I’ve got a job I mostly enjoy, a dude who fucks me regularly and vacation plans within the next 6 weeks. Yay me! <—-That was totally fake as I really am feeling weather beaten.
Aside from that though, life seems to be taking a break from kicking my ass. And it’s greatly appreciated. Greg and I have been spending a good deal of time together and it has been quite enjoyable. Every minute of it. We’re 5 weeks in and feeling no pain. It does feel like much longer though. I think that’s because we see each other often and when we do, we spend a lot of time talking. There’s no TV to distract us so we eat, drink, talk and fuck each other’s brains out. For a man in his 40s his stamina is truly impressive. I’m accustomed to sex once at night OR in the morning. With Greg, it’s twice at night and quite possibly in the morning. If we have sex only once at night, we definitely go a round in the morning. The first time we had sex, we did it 4 times in 24 hours. Lol. I think we both broke some long held records.
Sex with him is oh, SO enjoyable! He is playful, giving and attentive. He loves sex and so we have a lot of it. He makes sure that I cum before he does. He is less experienced than I am in terms of sexual adventures and I find that endearing. He thinks it’s exciting. He‘s never had a 3-some but I have. He thinks that pushing the envelope is anal sex. Lol. I think that’s so cute. I have given him carte blanche to do whatever he wants, try whatever he wants, and explore his sexuality as much, as deep, or as far as he wants to. In for a penny, in for a pound as they say. I want to be the one to take him past his previously manufactured boundaries. It’s exciting to both of us.
We also have lots of silly, serious, interesting, intellectual, funny conversations. I told him the other night that he is the most serious fun guy that I’ve ever met. Or the most fun, serious guy that I’ve ever met. He is mature and serious one minute and then the next he is saying or doing something completely silly to crack me up. His sense of humor is ever-present but cleverly disguised. He is quick to smile and laugh but is as swiftly serious, intellectual Greg. He is a voracious reader. And strikingly intelligent. Sometimes intimidating.
He’s also affection personified. Full of random hugs and kisses. So handsome. So tall. I’m never with him without wanting to climb aboard. He cooks for me too! I know it’s early on and everything is supposed to come up smelling roses but guess what, it doesn’t always and it is with with him so yeay me. For realzz.
Thus far, I’ve haven’t had anything to stress about where he’s concerned. And when I find myself trying to manufacture problems, I swiftly kick myself. This situation is moving along well and I’m putting no pressure on it, myself or him. If it turns out to be long term, that’s great. If it turns out to be short lived, as long as we both respect each other’s feelings, I will live with that. It’s easier to navigate the start of a relationship if you remove the self-imposed pressure. That’s sounds so easy, but it’s really not. I obsessively look ahead and try to map relationships out. And, you know what’s ahead? Well, me neither. And so I have to constantly remind myself to just take it easy. Let it play out. Don’t try to map it out. Just see where it goes. So far, it’s working and I feel rewarded for the effort I’m putting in.
The aforementioned vacay will take me to Barbados. Home again, home again, jiggidy jig. I’m looking forward to it but it’s less of a vacation and more of just a trip to see my family and friends.
Life has been pretty much busy with work, busy with Greg and sleeping. I can’t complain. I’m feeling lucky and I like the feeling.
Till next time. Cheers!
In my last post I wrote about meeting Greg at a happy hour. The night we met, we spent more than 3 hours talking and laughing. The world faded away as we delved into learning more and more about each other. The conversation flowed smoothly, the laughs were plentiful and there was a HUGE connection!
After the event, we exchanged numbers. He suggested that we get together when he got back from a trip a week later but the next day he called and we discussed the fact that neither one of us wanted to wait that long to see each other again. So three days after we met, we went on our first date.
The first date was much like the first time meeting…we talked for HOURS! We actually shut the place down. The date was easy and enjoyable and felt so very natural. We were quite smitten with each other.
When we left the restaurant, I was walking on air. I told my friend about it the next day and she was as giddy as I was. She has a good feeling about Greg. I’m being cautiously optimistic. I’m still reeling a bit from the last attempt at a relationship with someone who turned out to be a horrible person.
There are two important things about Greg that fit well with what I’m looking for. He already has kids and doesn’t want any more and he has been married before and wants to get married again so I know commitment doesn’t send him running screaming from the room.
With the first date under our belt and a growing attraction to each other in full bloom, we were both excited to spend more time together. At dinner we’d spoken about where we both were mentally and emotionally with regards to starting a new relationship. He’s actually in a better place than I. I’m freshly scarred and bruised with doubts about…men in general. But I also told him that I’m not stupid enough to let what someone did to me in the past, stop me from pursuing what could be a great relationship.
This horrendous winter we’re having has caused grief for everyone at some point but yesterday, it worked in my favor. Greg’s flight out of town was cancelled so we jumped on the opportunity to get together. Snow on the ground, mores snow coming, frigid temps and howling winds did nothing to deter us.
We met up in a cozy bar in the city and by the end of the night we’d proven beyond doubt that the physical and sexual attraction was really real. Thank God he had an early morning flight. Otherwise, the temptation to move from the bar to his condo would have been too much to overcome. As it was, we just made out like teenagers. It was AWESOME! He’s a GREAT kisser and I love the feel of his beard. I cannot wait to feel it against the rest of my body. Yes, I know…we just met. But I also know that we’re adults and we want to fuck each others brains out. And not just once or twice.
As wet sat there and discussed sex between two horny, consenting, able minded adults, I took it upon myself to play devil’s advocate and come up with reasons why we shouldn’t sleep together so soon. None of my reasons stood up to scrutiny. And so, within the next few weeks, I’m going to jump his tall, strong, athletic bones. I told him I’m not interested in casual sex. Nor will I be a willing party to non-monogamous sex. Happy to say, he agrees. And yes, (some people believe that) men will say anything to get into your pants but those men are generally young, immature and only interested in sowing wild oats. Greg fits into none of those categories.
I know where he stands politically, I know what his religious beliefs are, I know a helluva lot about his values and morals and now I can’t wait to find out how his dick feels in my mouth. Lol.
I promised myself that I’d write more in 2014. The problem with that promise is that I assumed at the time that I’d have something to write about. I don’t, really. But here I am anyway.
The first 6 weeks of the year have been pretty uneventful. And cold as fuck. So the latter has greatly impacted the former. I’m not a fan of winter weather so I’ve been playing it close to the apartment. My social life has taken a hit but IDGAF.
Recently though, I shed that attitude, bundled up and went out for some drinks and socializing. And I looked uhmahzing! New hairstyle, new dress and a whole lotta confidence. I was supposed to meet 2 friends but upon entering the establishment received a text that one of them was standing me up. No reason, excuse or explanation, she just decided less than 1/2 after we last spoke that she wasn’t coming. Now, that’s the sorta shit that will get you quickly escorted off the “friend” list.
The second friend was minutes away from leaving her house. That meant that I was going to be at this place by myself for at least an hour. What was a girl to do? Well, I am who I am and who I am is a friendly, personable, attractive woman with top-notch conversational skills. It was a social event with good looking people my age so I dove right in.
First I got myself a drink and surveyed the room. As I was mid-survey, a good looking guy came up and started a conversation. He was funny and could hold his own. We laughed and talked a bit about what brought us both to this place. That and for some reason, running. It was good conversation but after a few minutes he went back to his friends.
As I completed my previously-interrupted survey of the room, I settled my eyes on a tall, handsome, bearded guy walking my way. Our eyes met and I did that thing that girls do that make it clear to a guy that he should stop and say hi. And he did. Cause, well, I’m not new to this.
He stopped, introduced himself, (Greg) and the rest of the evening (3+ hours) was a blissful, non-stop dive into the “getting-to-know-you” pool. I literally spent the next 3+ hours talking to this guy about everything (except politics and religion). A few times when we came up for air, I saw people looking at us like, what the hell? We had moved from the bar to the couch and were simply engrossed in each other. My girlfriend arrived and we invited her to join us but she chose instead to work the room on her own. I sent her on her merry way cause truth be told, I had no interest in anyone but Greg. He was funny and smart and talented and seemed to like him some me. Which is always a good thing. He is an engineer by trade, an amateur mechanic who restores vintage cars and plays the bass trombone in a band. Lol. Just enough quirk to fascinate me. We talked about family, travel, work, friends, love, loss, society, music, and everything in between.
When it came time to call it a night, he walked my friend and I out, we exchanged numbers, made plans for a dinner date when he returned from a trip out of town, and basically marveled at what a great connection was made on a random evening out.
He texted me the next day (still funny over text thank God) and let me know that he would try to work his schedule so that we could do dinner before he left for his trip.
Lads and lasses, lesson learned…put your clothes on, pretty up yourself and get out of the house! You never know what good things await you on the other side of the door.
I don’t necessarily have a topic for this post but I do want to start writing more so that I can become better at it.
In that same vein, I guess I should date more so that I can become better at that. If I don’t look at it that way, I’ll be single forever. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, marriage isn’t the answer for everyone, BUT I do want to find someone to share my life with, happily. Sharing my life with someone miserably, as many out there are doing, holds no appeal to me.
Speaking of misery, divorce is in the air. A close friend seems to be on the precipice of filing divorce papers and that is a devastating place to be. I’m not necessarily surprised, but I am sad that someone I know is going through an extremely tough time.
Oh, where are my manners?! HAPPY NEW YEAR to you and you and YOU!!! But not you, you…rot in hell.
Greetings aside, I’m starting 2014 off with feelings cautious optimism. Tomorrow, I’m going to buy a new car. I have a new job that excites me, I am eager to get out and be more social, I am looking forward to meeting new people, developing lasting relationships and of course traveling to places I haven’t yet been. My solo trip to Europe in 2013 ignited my desire to see as many new places as I can financially fit into a calendar year. I’m thrilled that I am in a position to travel internationally at least three times a year.
As I sit here and ponder this moment, I’m happy to be where I am, but I’m not content to stay here.
Stay warm & chat soon.
Before now, I’d actually never heard the song by Alicia Keys but here I am crying my eyes inside out and Alicia comes belting out of my TV what I already know…these tears always win.
I checked my LinkedIn profile today and was informed that Sociopath Ex viewed it 3 weeks ago. I chuckled. He’s keeping tabs. We all do it, so it wasn’t a surprise. It crosses my mind sometimes…Do I ever cross the sociopath’s mind? I know I do. We’ve known each other for almost 2 decades so yes, I cross his mind. I don’t cross his mind to the point of him contacting me, and that’s a good thing. The old me wanted to hear from him. But all that self-reflecting, growing, maturing bullshit that I put myself through over the last year actually brought me to the point where I recognize that I need not to hear from him. I need not to ever see him or hear from him again. He can keep all the tabs he wants as long as he stays the hell out of my life.
Tears…here we are again. I was his placeholder.
Peter isn’t here. If he were, I’d be virtually crying on his shoulders. He’s off getting married. And that makes me cry even harder. He’s gonna come back all happy and married and shit and ask how things are going and I’m gonna say what exactly? Kasey is also gone. They’re actually in the same place. One went for his wedding, the other went for vacation. If Kase were here I wouldn’t be crying on his shoulders but I’d definitely call him and I know without doubt that I’d be feeling better when I got off the phone. They are both fierce protectors of me.
Jay called today to tell me that his marriage is falling apart. His exact words were, “This marriage experiment thing isn’t working out”. Actually, he didn’t call to tell me that. He called to tell me that since his marriage is failing, I have to find a new place to live because he is moving back into his condo. I need a bigger umbrella. This rain is turning into a steady downpour of fuck my life.
I’ve lived here happily for 6 years. I haven’t lived in any one place that long except for my childhood home. At 14 we moved from the house I grew up in and since then, I have not lived in any one place for more than 3/4 years.
Kassandra came through for me today when I needed to talk it out. She is a great source of logic and common sense and she keeps me calm. I need more of her in my life.
Why the fuck is this happening? Wasn’t I supposed to be using this space to talk about sex and all the glorious sex that I was doing? What the fuck happened? I woke up Friday feeling very sad and I had no idea why. And the stupid little voice in my head kept saying, this is a premonition of feelings to come. I tried to shake it off but I knew that some shit was gonna happen. I just wasn’t prepared for this.
Tears again. Fuck me.